Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
