I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
