why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
