is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize