Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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