Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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