fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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