I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
