Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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