cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
