looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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