I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize