i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
