i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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