Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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