I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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