I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
