I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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