So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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