Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
