I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
