Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
