Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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