If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
