The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
