Me. At least after what I've been through.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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