My liver just broke up with me...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
