Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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