I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
