Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dear god my vagina.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
