I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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