Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
