Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize