Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
