Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm too high and old for this...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
