hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
