If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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