White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
