I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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