So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
