I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
