Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize