i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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