An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
