I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
a search helicopter?!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
