I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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