The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
