can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
