She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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