i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
