Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
