I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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