True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
