So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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