Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
