i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
someone get that fucking seahorse.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
