There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
